I know I have written about this before, but the topic keeps coming up in all circles. Pop psychology is currently fixated on cutting negative people out of our lives and walking away from what we don’t like.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? Yes, but . . . Let’s discuss this more fully.
If we walk away from everyone who engages in negativity, if we cut out everything we do not like or appreciate, our world can become very small very quickly. Is this really the desired goal? I think not.
If this is our only approach, it is like having a tool box that only contains a saw. We are very limited in what we can actually do with the one tool – it only works one way by cutting and tearing and severing connection. It cannot fix or repair. This is actually a form of concrete thinking – all or nothing, yes or no, good or bad, with no variations. It is the type of thinking of a young child. As we mature, we should develop the ability to see that a situation or person is not ALL good or bad, but can be a combination of many things.
I propose another concept – that this should be one of many tools and not the first one that we use.
Yes, there are time when it is appropriate to distance ourselves from someone in our lives. But instead of getting out that saw and severing the relationship entirely, I suggest that we first assess a person’s character and create boundaries for their access to us and our investment in them. If we walk away or cut people out as soon as something is uncomfortable, we lose opportunities to grow as a person, to develop skills, and quite possibly to heal everyone involved.
- First, let’s develop healthy boundaries. Let’s explore what has prevented us from doing this in the first place and identify what is desirable.
- Learn to communicate our boundaries well – firmly but kindly.
- Maintain them consistently.
- Become comfortable having difficult discussions that may make us uncomfortable. Deliver the message in appropriate ways that open the opportunity to healing and understanding.
- Give others an opportunity. Understand that they may not grab the opportunity at first.
- Learn to readjust our expectations and determine if this person has a place somewhere in our lives and, if they do, where that place should be.
- Thrive in an environment that is not perfect, knowing it is not a reflection on our own self worth.
We all need connection with others. This is not a like or a preference – it is a distinct human need. We need to learn to be resilient, to be understanding, and to work with a wide variety of personalities and interaction styles to be effective and involved in life. Cutting out all negativity or challenge can shrink our circle to nothing rather quickly.
Let’s open the bridges to communication, understanding, and healing before we choose to take out the saw and cut them out. We should have a number of tools in our tool box.