This topic came up in session today. A woman is devoted to her healing and has been doing some really good reading. She made this statement, so we discussed it. Perhaps this same discussion could benefit others reading here.
The term “co-dependency” can have as many meanings as there are people who use it. Let me ask you if any of these apply to your experiences on a regular basis:
- Giving in to keep the peace.
- Making the needs and wants of others more important than your own on a regular basis.
- Feeling your wants and needs have no value or not justified.
- Allowing others to treat us badly. Unable to speak up about it.
- Struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries.
- Cannot say “no” regardless of how much you would like.
- Feeling put upon, taken for granted, always coming through for others who do not reciprocate.
Co-dependency is a learned behavior. In all likelihood, it was a coping mechanism to protect you. It served a purpose. But applied to all situations for the rest of your life, it can really trip you up. Most of us will not admit it, but we are also keeping a mental tally of all the things we have done that we secretly anticipate will be reciprocated at a later time by the other person. But it never happens. We get ourselves into a one-sided contract that goes something like “I’ll come through for you right now; you will come through for me later.” That is a reasonable expectation for a health relationship. But not all of our relationships are healthy. In fact, for a co-dependent, most or even none of ours are.
Why is that?
We are always teaching others how we expect to be treated. If we always say “yes”, keep the peace and never speak up, we are teaching others that we are not important and do not count. Then we are hurt when they treat us this way.
The change has to begin inside ourselves. Whether or not others around us will change remains to be seen. That is outside our control. We can influence others by changing ourselves, but we cannot change them. Becoming released from co-dependency does not depend on change in others.
