Boundaries can be a challenge, especially at first
The topic of boundaries comes up a lot in therapy, of course. What you determine that you will and will not allow in your life is key. We are always teaching others how we expected to be treated, so when we allow ourselves to be treated badly, we are teaching that is ok and giving permission to do it again.
So often we come into the realm of setting boundaries as expecting others to change, to adjust to our new rules. This may be the case. But then again, it may not be at all. When we change, dynamics change. It causes upheaval and shifts balance. It creates discomfort. Change is uncomfortable. So often we fight to regain the familiar, even if it is not something we like or admire, because it is familiar and thus – comfortable.
Our setting boundaries may very well not change the people we hope would adjust to our vision of our new relationship, our new normal. They may fight back.
There is another side that we talk about in therapy. It goes like this: Of course you have every right to say what you think and express your opinion. BUT – I have the right to decide whether I need to endure any more of it.
In other words – boundaries are about what we will accept. It is up to the other person(s) to decide what they will or will not do. Those are the two sides to boundaries. Changing a boundary will cause ripple effects in the lives of others. Some will adjust and agree. Most will test the strength of our resolve (think of a 2 year old hearing the word ‘no’). Others will not accept our boundaries, causing us to have to make further choices.
Healthy boundaries can take a lot of work – and can also be quite freeing. Do you need assistance identifying your need for boundaries, learning how to set them, or support in constructing and maintaining them?
